This Just In from America’s #1 News Source*

By Chad Bolla

Graphic by Cristy Road, Brooklyn, NY, John Hennings, Champaign, IL, and Design Action Collective, Oakland, CA.

Graphic by Cristy Road, Brooklyn, NY, John Hennings, Champaign, IL, and Design Action Collective, Oakland, CA.

Skip Freeman: This just in from America’s number one news source, Justice News:  Middle-aged white man shot in the face and died on the spot after threatening police officer with a hug. Witnesses say that Johnny Whiteness approached a police officer with arms out in full hugging position while the officer gave him clear orders to back up; saying “back the F@#! Up, now!!!!” Johnny responded, “Please, Mr. Officer I just wanna give you a hug and find understanding—I think we can find understanding!” Johnny, confident that his whiteness would protect him like an invisible magic Harry Potter cloak, lunged toward Officer Roundeyes. At this point Officer Roundeyes opened fire and let off eight shots. All eight bullets entered and exited Johnny’s head leaving his face looking like a poorly carved pumpkin.

Hundreds of people were witness to this violent spectacle as they were protesting what one African American activist called, ‘Racist Police Terror.’ Now, I might just be a simple newscaster, but I’m also a citizen of this great democratic country and I feel it is unfair to discriminate against our peace officers by calling them racist. I also subscribe to the idea that men should never force hugs on other men and, I’m not so sure how I would respond if I were in fear of an unwanted hug. That’s exactly why I have invented, um, I mean invited, our next guest, an expert on racism, to give his scholarly opinion on the subject.

Welcome to the Justice News Studios DR. DD Sooza—can you tell us why our brave and honorable police can not possibly be racist?

Dr DD Sooza:

Well, I would like to express my support for Officer Roundeyes on this very difficult day—It is clear to me from the protester’s chants I am hearing: ‘BEEP the police, ‘No Justice No Peace—Stop the Racist Police, Hands Up, Don’t Shoot! and Black Lives Matter’ that he is a victim of what can only be called reverse-racism, which I might add is becoming more and more prevalent in this great nation of ours. Clearly, the founding fathers would be upset by this. Black people, who were once the victims of racism in this country, are now the victimizers who choose to segregate themselves. All lives matter, right Skip?

Common sense tells us that these people not only hate our young brave men who protect us from evil criminals but they also hate this country. Having immigrated to this country, and being a person of color myself, I feel that the anti-white sentiment, or reverse racism if you will, is largely a bi-product of our liberal and I would add, Jewish, media. I am embarrassed by the behavior of the people of color and their confused white supporters. Let’s be honest, people—slavery ended a long time ago, so we can no longer use this as an excuse—its time to take advantage of the opportunities given to us by the greatest democracy on earth.

On the subject of slavery, let us not forget that we are the super power in the world largely due to the fact that the slave industry was both highly profitable and is one of the pillars of which this leading industrial nation is built on. The ends surely justify the means. Perhaps we should pay tribute and reparations to those who pioneered the industry, for without them we would not be the world role models that we are today.Not News Fox logo

SkipWould you please comment, DR. DD Sooza, on the fact that Johnny the aggressive hugger, who happens to be white, is now being praised by the black protesters as a hero?

Cut to interview with black protester:

Most white people, who say that they care about us and say they wanna stop institutionalized racism, talk, but do not act. They talk amongst themselves about the inequality and injustices that we as folks of color live with but when BEEP goes down, and we are under attack by the police, where are they? I’m not saying that they are all like that, but I am saying there are very few who have the moral courage to stand here with us. The problem is they don’t see racism as their problem too—that we are all in this together– we are all bozos on this bus of injustice!! They don’t see how our suffering is related to their suffering, and that somebody else is making a profit off of all our suffering.

Johnny was one of the few white folks that showed up with us, and he had a lot to lose—he put his privilege on the line—most white folks aren’t willing to give that BEEP up and they aren’t brave enough to be honest about the benefits of being a privileged citizen in a parasitic capitalist system. And, if they are honest, they still try to take control and leadership when what they really need to do is step back and listen to the folks who have been fighting this fight since the beginning. Johnny understood the difference between solidarity and charity—that racism is a WHITE problem. He got it that you don’t help end institutionalized racism for people of color, but for all people. He also understood his role in this struggle–support people of color leadership!! That’s why we are chanting now: ‘It Don’t Matter If Johnny Is White—He Showed Up With Us Tonight.’

DR.DD Sooza:

Well, first I would like to praise that young man of color for being so extraordinarily eloquent in his speech—it really surprised me to see someone dressed so thuggishly speak so clear. However, it was obvious to me that he doesn’t understand the complexity of our democracy and he doesn’t realize that he is very biased. I pity him in a way because he too is a victim of our predominately liberal media and educational institutions. I’m not sure what he meant by ‘parasitic capitalism’—sounds like some communist rhetoric he may have picked up from an angry leftist instructor at a junior college campus or, a quote from some subversive, inflammatory rap lyrics.His name was Michael Brown

And, what does anything he said have to do with the fact that a brilliant young officer was trying to do his job to keep the protest peaceful and our citizens safe—let’s stick to the subject and not let our ADHD, or, our blunt smoking, as they say, get in the way of our analysis. On that note, I thought that in this nation we are innocent until proven guilty? These people out here seem to be presuming that officer Roundeyes is guilty before he has been given a fair trial. We are a law-abiding country unlike many other countries around the world.

And, as far as Johnny the aggressive hugger being a white male, this is a clear case once again of, dare I say it, liberal media influencing the minds of American people in ways that we as productive citizens should really be concerned with—talk about a need to protest. How about a mass mobilization against the leftist brainwashing that is destroying the fabric of this nation? Uncle Sam is in tears at this very moment. Johnny was not only confused but he was a traitor to his own people.

Skip: News flash: Our sources have just given us some important character information on Johnny, the aggressive hugger, that may be influential in this highly complicated case. It appears that one of our talented tech experts has gained access to Johnny’s Facebook page. According to FB, Johnny has been a strong member of several militant, subversive organizations for several years—the main one being Racial Justice Allies, or, RJA in which he was, according to what we could decipher from his posts, a collaborator in a strategic plan to assassinate the character of all white people; “until white folks wake up from their collective delusion and denial around the fact that this country was founded on the basis of white supremacy and that this ideology continues to prevail, albeit in a more covert and furtive fashion, then we are all fuckedBEEP.”Excuse me

Another post, which could prove to be a deciding factor in this case was, I believe that cops truly are doing their jobs, which is to be storm troopers of death for the Empire. Since the beginning, the police have been hired by the owners of the world to discipline those who don’t follow their rules—to maintain status quo. Those rules are in place to assure that no one interferes with their business–making more profit by any means necessary. The modern police are essentially a highly militarized slave patrol based on the original slave patrols of the south.

Skip:  It seems from these two posts alone that Johnny not only hates white people but hates his Uncle Sam even more. How would you respond to this new information DR.DD Sooza?

DR DD Sooza

Before I came to this great country, I studied the history, more specifically the wise words of people like Glenn Beck and Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter and Bill O’Reilly—true Americans. And, I felt honored to be learning the truth from fair and non-biased journalists such as them. They helped instill in me a deep love and appreciation for the stars and stripes. I truly feel that it is the destiny of the U.S to lead the world as the only true Democratic Nation. In short, I developed a heartfelt relationship with Uncle Sam and I believe he has fully adopted me as one of his own. So, when I hear the poison and ill will that is being spread by this Johnny, the aggressive hugger, I am filled with an angry fire inside—I can’t believe the disloyalty and vile hatred towards his U.S family. I want to see justice served for officer Roundeyes and I will be standing there with him when the District Attorney makes her decision to not charge him. He did his job God BEEP it! Sorry—I get fired up sometimes.I can't breathe

Skip: Thank you Dr DD Sooza—we will keep you updated and we will be calling on you to share your expertise when necessary. Let’s go to another soundbi…I mean clip from the protesters on the streets…

Cut to Another Black protester:

I wanna express my condolences to Johnny’s family and friends and let them know that they should be proud of him – proud for the fact that he was following in the footsteps of some of the few white folks in the history of the country who were courageous enough to take a stand. It’s one thing to develop a critical analysis around systems of oppression—it’s another thing to be on the front lines with that analysis and be ready to challenge. Johnny did this.

He wasn’t like a lot of the other white folks who showed up to remind us that ALL LIVES MATTER. Of course ALL LIVES MATTER, but ALL LIVES are not being stolen by the police every 28 hours! I wanna send a message to all you good hearted white folks out there: If you wanna help stop this shBEEP then show up with us in the street but don’t start tryin to run the show—Know your role–this is where you find your humility—only with that humility can you be in solidarity!! Johnny understood that he had a different relationship with the cops and that that relationship was intended to be one that put him in the position of an overseer— White People Profile—They Don’t Get Profiled. He was brave enough to not accept that position but instead take the righteous path! Not sure what was up with the hug though—that’s some hippy shBEEP-haha.

SKIP: What’s this? Our sources are now saying that Johnny’s mother has come forth and shared his personal journal—this should be interesting and help the case as well. According to one of Johnny’s journal entries, Johnny is not only critical of our police, but of our entire judicial system.

On September 11, 1999, Johnny wrote:  I believe our whole judicial system is fuckedBEEP. Not only does it serve to sustain the elite establishment, but its essence is based on an ethic of revenge which simply doesn’t work. Hurt people who hurt people to show that hurting people is wrong—duh! It’s really no different than the days of European aristocracies in which the downtrodden were thrown into dungeons and tortured while gluttonous fat fuckers BEEP, wearing ridiculous wigs and gold bling objects stolen from different continents, stuffed their faces with what ever their servants prepared.

We need nothing less than a REVOLUTION. Changing policy, requiring body cameras, and focusing on demilitarization will not cut it people because the police will still be of service to the ruling class and our economy depends on their brutality!! White folks need to collectively wake up from their delusion, show up in the streets and back up the black and brown leaders in the resistance against police violence! Because it seems that the police, backed by the state, have a monopoly on violence and have declared war on young black and brown folks, I won’t be surprised when the people start firing back—responding to the violence with violence—killing cops.’ I think people of color actually feel safer when cops are not around. How many stories do white folks need to hear before they believe that this shitBEEP is real? VIVA JOHN BROWN!!

Skip: What do you make of this new found information, DR DD Sooza?

Dr DD Sooza:

Well, that fact that Johnny is calling for a revolution, I think proves that his intentions on the day of his unfortunate, yet justified, departure, were to incite violence—to provoke the police to act violently so that he could justify a violent response against the peace officers. This is a common tactic used by the confused leftist who identifies as revolutionary. My hope now, Skip, is that no more time and resources are spent on this investigation as it is clear to me based on the evidence found in Johnny the Aggressive Hugger’s Facebook page and the violent psycho-babble found in his journal, that Johnny needed to be eliminated—he was capable of poisoning the minds of others with his dogmatic rhetoric and hopefully his message was not heard by many before the heroic Officer Roundeyes removed this cancer. My fear now Skip, is that Johnny, as a youth worker, may have infected some of our precious young ones with his corrupted ideas.

Police in Ferguson, Missouri

Police in Ferguson, Missouri

Who knows how many of these young folks will attempt to force hugs on officers? How someone like him was ever allowed to work with kids is beyond me. Johnny was clearly mentally ill, much like his hero John Brown. Thank God that most white people have more common sense than Johnny ever had. I think there now needs to be a thorough investigation regarding Johnnie’s mother who, herself, has a history of “social activism,” which is really just a euphemism for terrorism and anti-patriotism.

Skip:  Thank you for enlightening us today with your expertise Dr DD Sooza. Your lack of bias on the subject of Racism in America and your knowledge of U.S history is not only a gift to us here at JUSTICE NEWS but to all the good Americans out there who look to us for the truth. We would also like to offer our condolences to the family of Officer Roundeyes who is surely suffering as the liberal news outlets attempt to assassinate his character. We have been informed by our sources that Roundeye’s supporters have been raising funds for his family so that he can travel to Disneyworld until the senseless protests subside. Real Americans supporting Real Americans! I love it!

Make sure to tune into the 10 pm news as we will have former Gold Medal athlete Bruce Spinner speak on the subject of Athlete Activism and why professional athletes should just Shut Up and Play Sports, and let the experts share their opinions on important matters.

Sports black lives matter

*This piece is a fictional news interview that covers protests in the street over police terror. The characters are fictional although based on real people…


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